mendingmelanie

Well that explains my recent behavior! I knew I was codependent, I mean that’s the whole ACoA in a nutshell. I worked on it for awhile but then stopped. I didn’t stop because I got better, oh noooo. I stopped because I removed myself from the bad situation I was in. That will make me all better, right?? Wrong! All that will do is cause me to find a similar situation later down the road. And what did I do? What did I do?? I found a similar situation later down the road! As I was in the very slow process of removing myself from that situation, my codependent self found a worse (disguised as THE PERFECT) situation.

I remembered some of the steps and even got the Big Book out and went back on some notes I took YEARS ago as I was studying codependency, alcoholism and addiction, and the brain, etc., and I back up from the situation I was slowly trying to remove myself from. Along comes “the perfect” situation and I forget that I AM codependent, that I am sick. Very sick. Until one day…..I do what I am so famous for. I start feeling smothered, then feel guilty for feeling smothered. The perfect situation doesn’t seem so perfect anymore.

Wait, is that you God? Are you trying to tell me something?? Okay, I’m going to listen. I’ll detach myself from this situation as well but first……I have to be dramatic. Yeah buddy, that’s me!! My exit always has to be memorable because you know, why not?! I did say I was crazy, I’ve gotta prove it right? Ugh!

I need to make working on myself an everyday process and not just after I find myself in a bad situation. Then I won’t feel smothered, feel guilty for feeling smothered then make a Broadway production of my exit because I’m scared. ~ M

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell
And everybody’s got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there’s beauty here
‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can’t let go, I can’t move on
I want to believe there’s meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now. Standing on a road I didn’t plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I’m trying to hear that still small voice
I’m trying to hear above the noise. How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now. Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take. How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now. I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now – Plumb

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

She’s quiet. She’s empathetic. She’s shy. She has friends. She has good friends. If she tells you you’re her best friend, you know that you are her person and you understand her more than anyone ever will. Not every good friend will be her best friend.

She’s funny. She’s a trip without luggage. Everyday with her is an adventure. You never know what she’s going to say. She can be loud. She can be rude. She can at times be un-ladylike. She’s crazy and will be the very first one to admit it. She’s spontaneous. She’s impulsive. She’s short tempered but working to improve it. She’s laid back. She’s lazy. She’s messy. She’s depressed. She probably should have been a guy because she cannot do her hair or her makeup. She has zero fashion sense. She’s dramatic. She has a low self-esteem. She’s loving. She’s affectionate, at times. She’s impatient. She’s quirky. She’s smart, sometimes. She’s a smart-ass. She’s moody. She’s a girl mom. She’s a boy mom. She’s a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, an aunt, a niece, and a cousin. She’s a cat mom and a dog mom. She’s a princess because her father is THE KING!

If someone asked what song she thought described her she would say, She’s Every Woman by Garth Brooks. ~ M

She wanted peace. She longed for peace. She knew where, who she needed to turn to to receive that peace but she couldn’t turn her mind off. Her mind was like a roller coaster that had no end, no emergency stop button.

She was so afraid she would fall back into her old ways. She wanted desperately to start anew. Start with a fresh mind and heart. Keep her focus on only good, positive things. Things and people that were good for her soul, good for her overall, is what she wanted and needed.

She needed to get rid of and stay away from the toxic, evil things that would only make her feel bad about herself. She had felt like Eve in the Garden of Eden for too long. There was now time for a change! ~ M

She was taught to not trust. She was a rebel, she did what she wanted, she trusted too much. She grew older and trusted when she shouldn’t. She was wounded but continued to trust because she wanted so badly to see good. She searched the good in others and so desperately searched for the good within herself. It was easy to find the good in others, but not the good in herself. She sought after the attention and comfort of others only to receive false love and hope. The trust she should not have given.

After so many years she was too ashamed to admit true failure. She chastised herself for being a rebel but was also proud of not conforming to the safe, easy way. She had a hard, short life. It had been no one’s fault but her own, her own stubbornness. It was too late to turn back now. There needed to be a change, but what? How?

She was scared. Scared of herself, scared of the judgment, scared there would be no commitment.

Panic sets in and she shuts down. She is only able to talk to the one she feels loves her. Loves her in this world without judgement. Agape love.

Then…..she talks to God. ~ M