mendingmelanie

It hurts

Hurts to think about

Thinking about it does not happen as often anymore

Watching it hurts

The awkward situation was the worst

The mind plays scenarios for when the day would come

The day came

The mind replaying the awkward moments days later

And then again weeks later

The more the reel replayed, the more it hurt

More confusion

There was a new title

A new way to be addressed

It was a little overused

Trying to convince

Convince who

The statement made that day was wrong

Please rewind back to that day

Please take back that statement

It is no longer true

They are no longer friends but strangers

It hurts

Yesterday I had a long drive to think back over the incredible weekend I had.

It’s hard to sum it up with just a word or two. I am beyond blessed that I was able to spend that time with God, with friends, Sisters in Christ and in my favorite state, Texas! It’s always so hard to come back home, especially since I met even more friends this time.

I’ve always liked the saying, “even broken crayons still color” and I’ve used that saying a few times myself. And on my drive home I really started thinking about that saying and how different a broken crayon is from a broken mirror. Then I started to think about myself. I have, for so long, seen myself as being broken. Damaged.

When you break a mirror, the saying is “7 years of bad luck.” If I believed in luck, I’d say it was more like 17 years of bad luck. I’ve broken quite a few mirrors in my day. After a mirror breaks it cannot serve its intended purpose anymore. That is, to see a clear reflection. You could try to fit the pieces together and glue them back but it would never be the same. A reflection will be there but it will be distorted. It can serve other purposes and could be really pretty at the hands of a great artist, but it would never again be a mirror to see a clear reflection because it went through some life altering changes.

A crayon is just a piece of color wax with a piece of the same color paper around it. It comes in a box already sharpened with a bunch of other crayons in different colors. If and when a crayon breaks, it may be shorter, a little less sharp, but it still serves the same purpose as it did before. It colors. It colors the same color as before. It didn’t change colors. It didn’t change shape. Even if the paper wrapped around it somehow came off, it’s still the same crayon it was the day it was created.

I use to see myself as a broken mirror but now I see myself as a crayon. Not yet completely broken, but with a significant crack. ~M

But God was merciful! We were dead because of our sins, but God loved us so much that he made us alive with Christ, and God’s wonderful kindness is what saves you. – Ephesians 2:4-5

A part of my past died a couple of days ago. Literally, died. Only memories are left. Nothing can be revisited. No calls can be made, notes cannot be written. Absolutely nothing is left.

It says in the ninth step of the AA Promises that “we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it”, however I’m finding myself doing just that on this part of my past.

In just the last 48 hrs I’ve struggled with so much guilt. The same guilt I thought I had worked through in the last 10 years, only for one incident to cause it to resurface. I’m regretting so many things I did and so many things I didn’t do. I can see how God worked in situations but I also see where my behavior was way out of line. Down right hurtful in so many ways and now I try apologizing but it’s entirely too late.

Step nine in the AA Big Book: Making Amends. There were many times in the past 2 years I came so close to sending a message, making amends, but I never did. Oh how I wish I had! It would only harm others if I did so now.

It took 8 years, meeting a bunch of people and learning a lot of new things to realize, I wasn’t the only victim. Not by a long shot.

So here I am….closing the door. It’s a big heavy, blue door. It’s a struggle but I eventually hear it slam close. It vibrates a little against me. I slide down with my back against the door and weep.

~ My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~ Psalm 73:26

When I think of my life, I think of the ocean.

I always get apprehensive about getting in the ocean, but I love the beach. The sun, the sand, the smell of salt air.

Living less than 3 hours from the beach, I’ve spent a lot of my life there. I have many great memories of being at the beach, especially my childhood.

Once when I was a little girl, I do not recall what age, I was playing in the ocean with my mom, dad and sister. The waves seemed so big and so tall but I wasn’t really scared at the time. I guess I wasn’t looking or wasn’t prepared but one really tall wave took me under. I remember tumbling under and scraping my head on the bottom of the ocean, coming back up out of the water and back under again. Twisting and turning under the water into the sand. It felt like I was under the water, out of control, forever. I will never forget that moment. Never.

My mom and dad and sister didn’t see what happened and were laughing when I got back on my feet. I mean, it’s funny when waves knock someone down, it really is. They weren’t laughing maliciously, they just didn’t understand what had happened. They didn’t realize how traumatized I was.

Ever since that day, I won’t get in the ocean unless the water is calm. And when I do, I don’t go out very far.

For the last two and a half years I have felt like I’m back in the ocean that day. Standing there playing, enjoying the sun and my family then out of nowhere a giant wave knocks me down and I’m gone. I feel like I can see people standing around pointing and laughing at me while I’m being tossed around like I’m nothing. It’s almost like everyone has mastered this ocean and it’s big, tall, unforgiving waves and they are laughing at me because I haven’t.

I’ve made many mistakes in my life. In just the last year and a half, I’ve made enough for a lifetime. I’ve asked God for forgiveness. I learned from those mistakes but I feel like all those mistakes are being held over my head. Like I’m still being punished for them. Not by God but by others. I’ve tried to move past those mistakes after learning from them, put them behind me but because of feeling punished it’s hard.

There goes that wave, knocking me down. And I’m being laughed at because I’m struggling but this time, it’s maliciously. I just want the ocean to be calm for a little while so I can enjoy the beach for a bit. Because life truly is better at the beach.

M

God has been quiet since that day He all but slapped me upside the head with an answer I had been looking for. He hasn’t “spoken” since that day but I’ve seen some changes.

I noticed today that my heart has almost healed completely from the huge hurt that it took early this month. I’m praising Him for that! I knew only He could take that pain away and He did! There have been subtle changes but that has been the major change, so far.

I feel like I’m completely alone on this journey. God seems to be silent quite a lot. When looking for employment, I pray and pray and if I hear of an opening anywhere, of course I apply since God takes so long to make a move, it might be a missed opportunity if I don’t go ahead and do something. Because of this, I have gotten my heart broken, been disappointed, suffered deep depression after applying for close to 30 positions in about 14 months. I have spent hundreds of $$ in training to have licenses and certifications and degrees with no employment to show for it.

I have extremely low days. Days where I feel completely worthless. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Where is God? Can He not see me? Does He not hear me? I can’t possibly feel any lower than I do at this moment. Rock Bottom? Yeah, I’m there. Almost to the grainy mess under those rocks. I’m so low, all I can do at this point is love my children because I can’t provide for them any other way. But this, going through what I’m going through right now, makes my love stronger and stronger each passing moment. Because it’s all I have.

If God will protect me and my kids while I love them immensely, I guess I’ll wait until eternity for Him to make a move. I just need to somehow learn some patience without falling apart and losing my mind.

I’m the type of person who is a friend to everybody. Or maybe you’d call that, “friendly to everybody?” I don’t really know, but I’m not the type that gets invited to go places very often. I do have a couple of friends that will suggest places to go or something to do but most of the time a conflict arises and it’s unable to happen. When I was in school, I was left out of everything. Everything. Once I invited a girl to spend the night. The only way she would was if her best friend could come along too. That told me something then but it tells me even more now.

Growing up, I had no choice but to go to school and church. But those were the only two things I participated in. There was no question on whether or not I went to Sunday school, that was a given. No ifs ands or buts. I did have friends at church and we had good times. My childhood memories are from those times with those kids. They didn’t go to the same school as me so that made it extra special when I got to see them. Sometimes I wonder if we would have still been friends at school like we were at church if we had gone to the same school but it doesn’t really matter now.

At school I had one best friend. It was a guy and everybody said we would end up married. We fooled them, we knew we wouldn’t. I don’t even know what he’s doing now. I think he’s married with 2 kids. We were only meant to be friends. I’ve never been too great with the whole “girlfriends” thing. I’ll have a friend for awhile, we may chat on the phone some, maybe shop some, have lunch, whatever but after a little bit of time passes, it all goes away. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m just not friend material. I really don’t have an answer for that.

I don’t fit in. Anywhere. I never have. That might be why I only have a whole slew of people I only have small talk with because we don’t know anymore about each other than what we’re willing to post on social media. Or it could be my trust is so shot that I’m too afraid to get close to anyone again.

All of this came to mind when I started thinking about my upcoming birthday. It will be here in 3 months. I will be the big 4-0. It hasn’t bothered me at all…..until now. It has now hit me like a ton of bricks. Not the fact that I’m getting old or older, but because I’m almost 40 years old and my life is no where close to where I thought it would be. Nowhere near what I was hoping.

I starting thinking back on those “milestone” birthdays and they are pretty depressing. At least mine were. The last party I had was 28 years ago. Yep, 28 years. I wanted a sleepover when I turned 11 on the 11th. That was the last one. My 16th, there was no “sweet 16”. I had an appointment with my psychologist that afternoon in Mobile so my mom and grandmother took me to dinner after my appointment and when I got home, I stayed up half the night finishing a school project that was due the next day. Looking back now, that day pretty much set the stage for the rest of my life. My 21st birthday, I spent at home. I was 4 months pregnant with my first child (that one wasn’t so depressing 🥰)

This time 10 years ago, I was upset because I was turning 30. This year, I’m disappointed in myself and in my life. How did I let myself get to this point? It’s like my age took two steps forward but the rest of me took 4 steps back.

I’ll keep trudging along and maybe in 10 years my dream of having a party bus full of friends celebrating my birthday will come true. It may be more fun in my 50’s anyway 😉

I’ve experienced a lot of hurt and disappointment in the last 2 years but at beginning of this year I experienced one of the biggest ones.

I cried out to God trying to understand why. I wanted answers. One question was, why was I hurting? And another one was, how long am I going to hurt?

As I got closer to God and spent more and more time with Him I realized something I should have realized a long time ago. Something that would have been very helpful this past year. People view me according to my past behaviors. I want people to see me a certain way but until I show them or tell them how I want to be treated, I will always be perceived the same way.

The reason why I hurt so bad is because I care deeper than I thought and finding out that I’m seen differently than I want to be seen, made it worse.

How long I hurt depends on me. If I don’t give it to God, my pain will last longer and will be much worse. As long as I stay in constant contact with Him for all of my needs, I will be ok. Everything will be ok. He already has a plan, all I have to do is trust Him. ~ M

Willow was a small town girl. Typical small town where everyone knows everyone. She married and had kids like everyone there did, but she was never happy being in that small town. She wanted out. She didn’t want the big city life but she wanted to be in a new place. She was getting older and needed, wanted a new life. She decided to move across the country to start a new life.

Soon after moving, Willow met Jack. He was different than the men back home. Jack was the type she never considered dating, at least not in the past anyway. They didn’t have a lot of things in common but the few things they did are the exact things she needed in her life.

He was a like Prince Charming. His blue eyes were so wise, he had a bubbling personality, a sweet smile and such an infectious laugh.

They didn’t get a chance to spend much time together because they both had other things going on in their lives. They would run into each other occasionally but they mostly communicated through text and social media. Over the course of a year they learned a good bit about each other. A little about their family and some things about their pasts. They were friends.

After about 4 or 5 months of knowing him, she fell. Fell hard. She wishes now she had never told him how she felt about him; however she never used the “L” word because she told herself it would be years before she used that word again. She never asked about his feelings about her, she was too afraid. She figured he would tell her when the time was right. After all, they were just friends, there didn’t necessarily have to be feelings but she always felt there was something lying just beneath the surface.

Boy did she read that wrong!

Now the 1 year “anniversary” of Willow and Jack knowing each other is close and she’s second guessing everything, even their friendship.

Willow wanted to give Jack space, didn’t want to be clingy. He knew how she felt. If he wanted to be more than friends, he knew she was just a text away. But the texts became fewer and fewer. When she did get a text, she would respond; however her texts, she assumed, weren’t important enough to warrant a response so she finally understood. To her it was a silent, “leave me alone.”

After praying for a year that Jack would be a part of her life, Willow struggled for almost two weeks whether to let Jack go or to keep holding on. It was raining the day she finally let go. The sky cried with her…

I woke up 20 minutes before my alarm went off and got out of bed which is very unusual. Usually I’ll get out of bed after I’ve hit the snooze button 4 or 5 times of the last 3 alarms I’ve set. Yes, it’s that hard for me to get out of bed. At least it has been that way for the last couple of years. Depression.

Anyway, I get a Dr Pepper because I’m going to have coffee later in the morning and I get in the shower. As I’m washing my hair, either I hit the emergency stop button on my brain or I stopped talking God and started listening (he gave me two ears and one mouth for a reason). It never occurred to me that I was just standing there washing my hair not thinking anything until WHAM! the answer. Finally after going back and forth with God for the last 6 days. Mostly the “going” because I wouldn’t shut up until today, He finally spoke. And boy did He! Now I have a lot of work to do! ~ M

God, listen to my prayer and do not ignore my plea for help – Psalm 54:2

Listen and hear my voice. Pay attention and hear what I say….- Isaiah 28:23