Hurting but trusting

I’ve experienced a lot of hurt and disappointment in the last 2 years but at beginning of this year I experienced one of the biggest ones.

I cried out to God trying to understand why. I wanted answers. One question was, why was I hurting? And another one was, how long am I going to hurt?

As I got closer to God and spent more and more time with Him I realized something I should have realized a long time ago. Something that would have been very helpful this past year. People view me according to my past behaviors. I want people to see me a certain way but until I show them or tell them how I want to be treated, I will always be perceived the same way.

The reason why I hurt so bad is because I care deeper than I thought and finding out that I’m seen differently than I want to be seen, made it worse.

How long I hurt depends on me. If I don’t give it to God, my pain will last longer and will be much worse. As long as I stay in constant contact with Him for all of my needs, I will be ok. Everything will be ok. He already has a plan, all I have to do is trust Him. ~ M

Jack and Willow

Willow was a small town girl. Typical small town where everyone knows everyone. She married and had kids like everyone there did, but she was never happy being in that small town. She wanted out. She didn’t want the big city life but she wanted to be in a new place. She was getting older and needed, wanted a new life. She decided to move across the country to start a new life.

Soon after moving, Willow met Jack. He was different than the men back home. Jack was the type she never considered dating, at least not in the past anyway. They didn’t have a lot of things in common but the few things they did are the exact things she needed in her life.

He was a like Prince Charming. His blue eyes were so wise, he had a bubbling personality, a sweet smile and such an infectious laugh.

They didn’t get a chance to spend much time together because they both had other things going on in their lives. They would run into each other occasionally but they mostly communicated through text and social media. Over the course of a year they learned a good bit about each other. A little about their family and some things about their pasts. They were friends.

After about 4 or 5 months of knowing him, she fell. Fell hard. She wishes now she had never told him how she felt about him; however she never used the “L” word because she told herself it would be years before she used that word again. She never asked about his feelings about her, she was too afraid. She figured he would tell her when the time was right. After all, they were just friends, there didn’t necessarily have to be feelings but she always felt there was something lying just beneath the surface.

Boy did she read that wrong!

Now the 1 year “anniversary” of Willow and Jack knowing each other is close and she’s second guessing everything, even their friendship.

Willow wanted to give Jack space, didn’t want to be clingy. He knew how she felt. If he wanted to be more than friends, he knew she was just a text away. But the texts became fewer and fewer. When she did get a text, she would respond; however her texts, she assumed, weren’t important enough to warrant a response so she finally understood. To her it was a silent, “leave me alone.”

After praying for a year that Jack would be a part of her life, Willow struggled for almost two weeks whether to let Jack go or to keep holding on. It was raining the day she finally let go. The sky cried with her…

His answer!

I woke up 20 minutes before my alarm went off and got out of bed which is very unusual. Usually I’ll get out of bed after I’ve hit the snooze button 4 or 5 times of the last 3 alarms I’ve set. Yes, it’s that hard for me to get out of bed. At least it has been that way for the last couple of years. Depression.

Anyway, I get a Dr Pepper because I’m going to have coffee later in the morning and I get in the shower. As I’m washing my hair, either I hit the emergency stop button on my brain or I stopped talking God and started listening (he gave me two ears and one mouth for a reason). It never occurred to me that I was just standing there washing my hair not thinking anything until WHAM! the answer. Finally after going back and forth with God for the last 6 days. Mostly the “going” because I wouldn’t shut up until today, He finally spoke. And boy did He! Now I have a lot of work to do! ~ M

God, listen to my prayer and do not ignore my plea for help – Psalm 54:2

Listen and hear my voice. Pay attention and hear what I say….- Isaiah 28:23

Codependency

Well that explains my recent behavior! I knew I was codependent, I mean that’s the whole ACoA in a nutshell. I worked on it for awhile but then stopped. I didn’t stop because I got better, oh noooo. I stopped because I removed myself from the bad situation I was in. That will make me all better, right?? Wrong! All that will do is cause me to find a similar situation later down the road. And what did I do? What did I do?? I found a similar situation later down the road! As I was in the very slow process of removing myself from that situation, my codependent self found a worse (disguised as THE PERFECT) situation.

I remembered some of the steps and even got the Big Book out and went back on some notes I took YEARS ago as I was studying codependency, alcoholism and addiction, and the brain, etc., and I back up from the situation I was slowly trying to remove myself from. Along comes “the perfect” situation and I forget that I AM codependent, that I am sick. Very sick. Until one day…..I do what I am so famous for. I start feeling smothered, then feel guilty for feeling smothered. The perfect situation doesn’t seem so perfect anymore.

Wait, is that you God? Are you trying to tell me something?? Okay, I’m going to listen. I’ll detach myself from this situation as well but first……I have to be dramatic. Yeah buddy, that’s me!! My exit always has to be memorable because you know, why not?! I did say I was crazy, I’ve gotta prove it right? Ugh!

I need to make working on myself an everyday process and not just after I find myself in a bad situation. Then I won’t feel smothered, feel guilty for feeling smothered then make a Broadway production of my exit because I’m scared. ~ M

Need you now…..

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell
And everybody’s got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there’s beauty here
‘Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can’t let go, I can’t move on
I want to believe there’s meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now. Standing on a road I didn’t plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I’m trying to hear that still small voice
I’m trying to hear above the noise. How many times have you heard me cry out
God please take this?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now. Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take. How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?How many times have you heard me cry out
“God please take this”?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now. I need you now
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now – Plumb